Writing Through Grief – How to Begin When Words Are Missing

Writing after the loss of a partner: a gentle beginning

You do not have to know how to begin. You can simply start – with a word, a sentence, the pressure of a pen on paper.

In grief, writing can be a way to approach what feels difficult to grasp.

An empty page offers room to fill it. (Paterson, 2016, film; translated from German.)

Do not hold on to rules if they restrict you. Use a framework if it helps you feel secure. If it does not, let it go. Take the pressure off. Give yourself permission to discard what is there and try something new.

If this feels like too much right now, stop reading here – and write.
Writing often reveals more than you could think through beforehand.

There is no single right way to write. But there are a few approaches that may help you get started.

Things that may help you write through grief

1. Keep your hand moving

Keeping your hand moving often creates a flow that carries you forward – even when you do not know what to write.

2. Let go of thinking it through

Try to stop thinking about what you are writing. Let your hand lead, putting letters and words together even if they do not make sense. Journaling is not about thinking everything through. Clarity often emerges as you write.

3. Follow your intuition

You are entering a space for writing. There will be moments when you feel uncomfortable and do not want to follow a writing prompt. Listen to yourself here. You can be brave, but do not push past your own boundaries. These are writing prompts, not writing assignments. If you draw a card, you decide whether today is the day to respond to it or to put it back and choose another. There is no right or wrong in what you do or write.

4. A timer or a page count – finding a method

Give yourself a clear, manageable structure. Find a time during the day, at the weekend or once a month. You can make a ritual of it, prepare a place to write, and put on some tea or coffee. This is about you. That also means you can be practical and do none of those things. The same applies to the methods below. Alongside deciding how often to write, there are different ways to help you get started.

Morning Pages (after Julia Cameron)

Write three pages in one sitting each morning. I suggest starting with A5 pages. Spelling, grammar and punctuation do not matter. Write as large or as unevenly as feels right. After a while, deliberately writing large letters becomes tiring, and your hand returns to its usual style and size.

The idea is to let everything flow from your head onto the paper. Everyday things first: perhaps your mood, the weather, observations, troubling thoughts, tasks waiting to be done, fears. Then there is usually still one page left. The last one. The page where I always think: “I have already written everything out. What else could there be?”

That last page is magical. I mostly use it for questions I believe I do not know the answers to. Sometimes I find myself letting my subconscious lead. I try to stop thinking about what I am writing and let my hand put words together without needing them to make sense. It feels like a trance. I do not always manage to keep my thinking mind from taking over. But I do manage to fill the three pages.

This method takes some practice and patience. But in times of stress and circling thoughts, it is the one I keep coming back to.

5 or 10 minutes at a time

Set a timer for ten minutes and commit to writing for the full ten minutes. Keep your hand moving. That is what matters.

Scribble pages

Take a page and write down whatever wants to come out. You can write over the same words again and again, in every direction, even if you cannot read any of it afterwards. Here, everything can be written out without any individual words needing to remain visible.

The contract / your promise

Inspired by Julia Cameron’s book The Artist’s Way, this method asks you to make a contract with yourself. Ideally, it supports you on days when you have little energy. This contract is your promise to yourself. It gives your voice weight. Here is a shortened extract, translated from German:

--Contract--

I, ___________, understand that I am beginning an intensive encounter with myself. I commit to these 31 writing prompts. I commit to [daily / weekly / monthly] [Morning Pages / 5 or 10 minutes of continuous writing]. I, ___________, also understand that these prompts will bring up topics and stir emotions that I will need to engage with. I, ___________, commit to taking excellent care of myself during this time: sleeping enough, eating well, moving enough and treating myself with care.

Date Signature

Writing is listening

I invite you to use the prompts to enter into a conversation with yourself. Rather than thinking that you have to do something, let your thoughts flow and listen. What you hear may be different each time. Not always clear. Not always pleasant. But honest.

That is part of it too. You do not have to hold on to what emerges. It is enough that it exists. So do not be alarmed if, one day, the person writing does not sound like you. This is not about judging what you have written. These prompts invite you to explore connection, saying goodbye, finding your bearings and caring for yourself.

If you are working with the cards, choose a question and stay with it. You do not have to get anything “right”. Beginning is enough.

If you are looking for a way into writing, you may find it in a question. The grief edition of the Gedankenfluss card set offers these questions in German.